I wasn’t going to post today. In fact, I had no intention of posting again. Drastic, I know, but the monkey on my back called discouragement had finally worn me down.
There are so many things the Lord has shown me regarding His plans for me, but it’s been years in the making. The wait’s gotten old. Funny thing is I’m told I have the gift of encouragement, but I’m fresh out, even for myself.
Here’s why I’m pushing through to write today. There’s nothing like being connected to the right people and the right church.
I told my husband I’d had enough. “It’s been a loooong time of ‘believing and not seeing.’ Maybe Jesus and I got our wires crossed and I’m going the wrong way. Maybe I should be content with being a cheerleader for others.” Thank God Mark knows Jesus. He told me he was never more convinced that I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. He encouraged me to hang on, breakthrough is coming. I couldn’t though. Having lost all grip strength, I’d made up my mind to quit, even though that’s a four-letter word in our family.
Yesterday, I dragged, yes dragged, myself to church…for our children’s sake. “Even if I’m stuck in the wilderness, at least the kids can enter the promise.” My husband found that amusing though that certainly wasn’t my intention!
The praise team sang the words I’ve sung along before but this time they stuck in my throat. I just wanted to go home. Then they the nerve to sing “Great is Thy Faithfulness,” my favorite hymn. I’ve only heard them sing it one other time in the just over a year we’ve been there. No fair, Jesus, this is torture.
Then my pastor stood up to speak and I swear he’d been watching me the last week. He started talking about the time between when you’re anointed to do something and when you’re appointed to do it. In between is “the process,” the time of preparation, discomfort and, yes, discouragement, but not the time to quit. Real funny Jesus.
He went on and on about David and the thirteen years he continued to herd sheep between being anointed king and assuming the throne. He talked about Abraham and the pregnancy analogy. I wiggled like a worm on a hook, wishing I’d stayed home. Nudging my husband, I asked him whose idea was it to come today. Like a Cheshire cat he leaned over and whispered, “Jesus’.” I needed that laugh…
I’d be lying if I said I’ve snapped out of it. I’m not sure I’ll post again, send out another newsletter or continue working on my next two books, but I’ll say this: it does matter who you walk with in this life. Your spouse should be more than easy on the eye, he/she should have a word to pick you up when you’re down (you likewise for them :-). And don’t just sit under any old ministry, make sure the Lord led you to it. The days I didn’t feel like going to church are the days I’m most grateful I went. The Lord uses pastors to breathe new life into us with a timely word. And it DOES matter who your God is. When I like, that 1 sheep, wandered off disillusioned, Jesus left the other 99, came after me, and carried me in my weakness. That’s the heart of my God. I’d forgotten it, but great is His faithfulness!